The Pathetic Performers
by OakuShigeru
Summary: Kenshin, Sanosuke, Yahiko, and Kaoru have to perform in front of people as circus acts again....what will go wrong?
1. Act 1

Disclaimer- I do not own Rurouni Kenshin……..*sigh*

Author's note- If you remember the episode of Rurouni Kenshin where Kaoru, Kenshin, and Sanosuke (I think that's how you spell his name) have to act like, well, circus acts while Yahiko and a cannon girl get gun powder…..the one where Kenshin tries to stand on a ball, and Kaoru tries to throw knives, etc…well, think of this as something similar.

Introduction

"WHAT!?" Sano said as Kaoru broke her "great news".

"We're going to help *the cannon girl* (a/n: gaaah! I forgot her name!) with her show again!" Kaoru said smiling, and Sano stared in surprise and a sweatdrop fell down Kenshin's forhead.

"Why'd you have to put _us_ in the show too?!" Sano snapped, remembering the horror of the last "show" they helped in. Kenshin tried to balance himself on a ball, Kaoru tried to throw knives (with him as part of the target), and then Kenshin had to chase him around the stage as he tried to run away.

"I don't really mind as long as ugly over there doesn't try to throw knives at me," Yahiko said as Kaoru glared at him.

"Do I have to sing again??" Kenshin said as he thought of a way to get out of this.

"Not necessarily," Kaoru said. "Now get going. The show's in an hour, and we can't be late."

"AN HOUR!?" Sano said. "How could you plan something only an hour in advance!?"

"Easy," Kaoru said. "*The cannon girl* said she needed some help for her next show, and I agreed." With a grin on her face, she said, "Actually, I planned this yesterday and just forgot to tell you guys until today!" *everyone facefaults*

************************

"You ready?" *the cannon girl* asked the awkward group of "performers". 

"Yes!" Kaoru said, covering Sano's mouth with her hand.

"Ok, go ahead. I'll go last."

************************

****

ACT 1

The Tightrope Terror

Kaoru- Introducing the acts of Sanosuke, Kenshin, and Yahiko! Watch Kenshin and Yahiko walk the tightrope!!

*Kenshin and Yahiko stare at the rope*

Kenshin- Uh, I'm afraid of heights, that I am. *phew*

Yahiko- *hey, that was my excuse!* well, I have to uh….go to the bathroom!

Kaoru- you just went! Get on that rope NOW!

*afraid of Kaoru, Kenshin decides to try his luck on the Tightrope*

Yahiko- you couldn't make me get on that thing if you paid me!

Kaoru- you brat!

Yahiko- you ugly girl!

*Kaoru starts chasing Yahiko, while Kenshin is about to fall*

Kenshin- AHHHH! Uh, a little help here would be nice!! *swaying from side to side, arms swinging wildly*

Yahiko- why don't you get Sano to get on that thing!?

Kaoru- well….Sano?

Sanosuke- Uh-Uh. NOOOOO way! Kenshin *snicker, snicker* is doing fine by himself.

Kenshin- HEEELP!

Kaoru- oh yeah! Where's the mat for Kenshin to jump onto?

Yahiko- there was a mat?

Sano- so _that's_ what Megumi was talking about……

Kenshin- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kaoru- ok Sano, you're going to have to catch him.

Sano- uh, what if he misses?

Yahiko- come on, he should be able to aim himself. He _is_ the batosai (a/n: I can't spell!) after all!

Sano- ok, Kenshin, try to jump over-

*Kenshin falls over and lands flat on his face*

Kenshin- I'm okay…….

Sano- Yep, he sure aimed correctly.

Yahiko- is he really ok?

Kaoru- I hope he is…this isn't good publicity. *everyone facefaults*

Sano- I think this proves that we are bad performers and we should leave now.

Kenshin- @_@ let's go to the zoo, mommy!! 

Yahiko- I don't think he's really ok.

Kaoru-………….And that's the end of the Tightrope act! Now we're going to do…the Fire hoop Trick!!

Yahiko- but who's going to--OH NO!!

Sano- come on, Yahiko. You're the only one small enough to fit through a hoop! See? Being a little kid _does_ pay off! *for me,anyway*

Yahiko- I'm not a little kid!…um, I'm allergic to fire.

Kaoru- get real Yahiko. How stupid do you think I am?

Yahiko- very.

Kaoru- HEY! Get over here!

*Sano lights the hoop as Kaoru chases Yahiko around the stage. Yahiko (not noticing it) jumps through the hoop to dodge a kick aimed at him*

Sano- see!? It wasn't that hard!

Yahiko- shut up!! OW! *Kaoru lands a smack on Yahiko's head*

Kenshin- look at the pretty panda, mommy! Look!

Kaoru- he needs a doctor….

Sano- what happened to the 'battousai'?(a/n: is this how you spell it, or was the first way I spelled it closer??) *is he talking about me?!*

Kenshin- look mommy! A monkey!!

Yahiko- ="_"= is he talking about me?!

Kenshin- OW! The monkey bit me! Maybe the hippo will save me!

Kaoru- WHAT DID HE CALL ME!?

Kenshin- AHHHHH! *Pauses for a second* Miss Kaoru, what did I do this time?!

Yahiko- drat, he's back to normal. *now I'd feel bad if I got revenge…*

Sano- I _told_ you this was a bad idea.

**************************

Ok, the end of chapter 1

If anyone knows the name of *the cannon girl* , please tell me so I can replace her name with *the cannon girl*…thx

Please review, good or bad…..i'd like to know whether this is worth continuing or not. ^_^


	2. Act 2

Disclaimer- own nada

Author's note- thx for all the reviews!! And a special thx to reynamangga and someone who signed Kenshin and Kaoru 4eva. "The cannon girl" is not "the cannon girl" anymore! Heh heh…

Marimo- Is everyone ok? Does Kenshin still need a doctor?

Kenshin- no, no, I'm fine, that that I am….

Yahiko- I think he's lost it…

Marimo-….ok, Now ladies and gentlemen, the performers are ready to, well, perform again!

****

Act 2

Knives…again…..

Kaoru- we can try this one more time-

Sano- NO! I am NOT going to be the target this time!

Kaoru- but you were such a _good_ target *flashy smile*

Yahiko- who would wanna be the target for someone with aim as bad as yo-Wait, what're you gonna do with that rope-

Kenshin- are you ready Yahiko? *sweatdrop*

Yahiko- Kenshin! Help!!

Kenshin- uh, I'm just doing what Miss Kaoru told me to do-

Sano- not that excuse again

Yahiko- Sano!! Help me!!

Sano- No way am _I _gonna be the target!

Kaoru- ok, I'm ready!

Yahiko- no no no no no no no no no-OWW!

Kaoru- *innocently* gosh, did I hit you?? I'm _sooo_ sorry!

Yahiko- Shut up you witch! You did that on--OWW!

Kenshin- *laughing meekly* this should teach us all a lesson: Never anger Miss Kaoru when she has knives

Yahiko- help me!! --Oh my god, I see blood!!

Sano- *snicker, snicker* I guess red's becoming of you

Yahiko- why'd you have to take my wooden sword too!? I could've defended myself with it!

Kaoru- but that's not professional!! *everyone else facefaults*

Yahiko- at least _Sano_ was strong enough to run away!! Please someone HELP ME!!

Kenshin- uh, I'm too tall, that I am! You make a much better target, which is why you're up there and not me!

Sano- that sounds familiar…

Kaoru- shut up you three. My aim's not _that _bad!

Yahiko- yeah, and your cooking's "not that bad" either--OWW!

Kaoru- *sarcastically* oh, I'm soo sorry

Megumi- I'm glad you got me. He needs some serious medical attention. Sir Ken, would you mind--

Kaoru- YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!!

Megumi- *putting an arm around Kenshin* Can I help it if I'm so much more loveable than you? Ha ha ha!

*Kaoru throws another knife, but it hits not Megumi, but*

Kenshin- OWW! Miss Kaoru, what was THAT for!?

Megumi- Oh, Sir Ken, you need some medical attention! *giggle, giggle* *dragging him offstage* Come this way, I need to have a look at that wound…

Kaoru- YOU GET BACK HERE!!

Sano- she got him pretty deep…

Kenshin- as much as I like this attention *Kaoru and Megumi are playing "Tug of War" with Kenshin as a "rope"* y-you're hurting me!!

Yahiko- DID YOU FORGET ABOUT ME!?!?

Sano- oh yeah, the little kid's still stuck up there!

Yahiko- "Little kid"?? You come here and say that to my face you-- *the board Yahiko was on starts to tip* AHHHHH! *the board lands smack on the floor…and so does Yahiko's face*

Sano- *matter-of-factly(a/n: yes, that's a real word)* it's exactly what you deserve.

Kenshin- OW! Miss Me-OW! Mis Kao-OW! Please don't- OW!

Yahiko- come on Kenshin! Whack the witch with your reverse blade sword!

Kenshin- even if I wanted to do that I can't reach my sword- OW! I wasn't _really_ thinking of hitting you Miss Kao-OW!

Kaoru- what makes you think he was talking about me?! *tug*

Megumi- Well, you're the only "witch" here! *pull*

Kenshin- all I want is use of my arms, okay!? Please don't pull anymore, or you'll pull them-OW!

Kaoru & Megumi- Shut up Kenshin, we're talking!

Kenshin- *meekly* ok ma'ams…

Sano- well, at least the crowd thinks this is funny…

Yahiko- I think I need a doctor…

*Kenshin is trying to pull away from Megumi and Kaoru* Look, a nice blue ribbon!

Megumi & Kaoru- *letting go of Kenshin* Where?!

Kenshin- *running* I'm free! Ow, my arms!

Megumi- you need to see a doctor! Let me look at you--

Kaoru- back off, you old hag!

Yahiko- you're one to call someone an "old hag"

Kaoru- what are you saying, Yahiko?! I still have some knives left!

Yahiko-….did I say "old hag"? I meant young, beautiful lady!! Really!!!!

Kenshin- can I go home now?

Kaoru- NO!

Kenshin- ………………….how about now?

Kaoru- NOO!

Megumi- that's no way for a lady to speak to such a great man as Sir Ken!

Kenshin- heh heh

Kaoru- Kenshin, are you buying this!?

Kenshin- uh, no Miss Kaoru….heh heh….*sweatdrop*

Megumi- violence isn't proper for a lady. You're not worthy of such a man as Kenshin.

Kaoru- say that again. I dare you.

Kenshin- no need to get violent, that there isn't!!

Sano- it's too late, she's gone crazy-

Megumi- "Violence isn't proper for a lady. You're not worthy of such a man as Kenshin."

Kaoru- COME HERE!! *chasing Megumi*

Marimo- Um, I think this is all for now…we're going to have a brief intermission (again)…

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This chapter's a LOT longer than usual…^_^

Do you like this chapter better or less than the first one? Review, review, review!


	3. Act 3

Disclaimer- own nada

Author's note- this chapter's gonna be less violent…is that a good thing or a bad thing? You'll have to see…

****

Act Three

Fort Tomato

Sanosuke- what are you doing, Kenshin?

Kenshin- I'm building a fort

Yahiko- out of ketchup bottles?!

Kenshin- it's CATSUP!! CATSUP!!!!!!

Kaoru- since when do we have plastic ketchup bottles in the Magi era?

Sanosuke- got me

Kenshin- *muffled* it's almost done

Yahiko- we can't even see him anymore!

Kenshin- *peering from his fort* I christen this Fort Tomato!!

Yahiko- he christened his ketchup bottle fort?!

Kenshin- Catsup bottles!! CATSUP!

Kaoru- *approaching the fort* come on, Kenshin. It's time to-

Kenshin- *squirting Kaoru with…catsup* Stay back!! I'm warning you, I'm armed, that I am!!

Kaoru- why YOU- You're dead, Kenshin Himura!

Sanosuke- *holding Kaoru back* he really needs a doctor-

Megumi- *appearing out of nowhere* did someone say "doctor"?

Kenshin- STAY AWAY!! *squirts Megumi with catsup*

Megumi- HE SQUIRTED ME WITH KETCHUP!?!?

Kenshin- CATSUP!!

Yahiko- *holding Megumi back* calm down…we need to give him some space…=_=

Sanosuke- this is pathetic-

Kenshin- I said STAY BACK!! *throws his empty catsup bottle at Sanosuke*

Sanosuke- *controlling his temper*…

Yahiko- *reading the bottle label* so it really is catsup…

Marimo- you know, I didn't want you guys to have to-

Kaoru- don't be silly! We're fine! 

Yahiko- speak for yourself-

Kenshin- wait- where's my sword!? Where'd it go!??

Kaoru- *holding up the reverse-blade sword* is _this_ what you're looking for?

Kenshin- *aiming a catsup bottle* give that back!

Kaoru- put down the ketchup-

Kenshin- CATSUP!!

Kaoru-….put down the _catsup_, and I'll give you your sword back.

Kenshin- *slowly replacing his catsup bottle* ok, now give it back!

Kaoru- now get out of the fort.

Kenshin- never!

Kaoru- then you're not getting your sword back!

Kenshin- awwww…*leaves his fort* ok, hand it over!

Kaoru- *hands the sword back to Kenshin* here you go…Sanosuke, wreck the fort!!now!!

Sanosuke- why me?

Kaoru- Yahiko-

Kenshin- *patting his sword affectionately* everything's okay now, that it is…

Yahiko- I'm too tired…

Kaoru- fine, I'll do it myself-

Kenshin- *running back to his fort* I see what you're trying to do! I won't let you!!

Kaoru- Kenshin-

Kenshin- I WON'T LET YOU RUIN MY FORT!!!!

Megumi- come on Kenshin…

Kenshin- I said……..STAY-

Kaoru- watch it, I've got a bottle too!!

Kenshin- uh, where did you get that- *fort starts to collapse* NOOOOOOO!

Kaoru- oops…

Kenshin- m-m-my-my fort!!!! *looks at Kaoru* You'll pay!!!!!!!

Kaoru- what are you going to do??

Kenshin- *reveals a catsup bottle* 

Kaoru- I dare yo- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Kenshin- drat, I'm out of ammo

Kaoru- *half covered in catsup* Keeennn…..sssshhhhiiiiiinnnnnnn………Kkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnsssssssshhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn…

Kenshin- *snaps back into his smart-but-still-nice personality* huh? What happened, Miss-

Kaoru- *yelling as loud as Misao does* I'm GONNA GET YOU KENSHIN!!!

Kenshin- what-did-I-do-this-time?!

Yahiko- wait Kaoru!! This act is supposed to be less violent!!

Kaoru-…*grabs a nearby catsup bottle* oh Keeennnssshhhiiinnn…

End of Act 3


	4. Act 4

Disclaimer- I don't own RK or Sk8r Boi (you'll see). I do own this _version_ of the song…I think…

Author's note- after someone mentioned "the Ketchup song" I decided to make my own ketchup

*Kenshin- CATSUP!*

…catsup song. Enjoy…I know it doesn't perfectly fit with the tune, but it's very very close so…if you sing it to yourself you'll probably be able to fit it with the music…

****

Act Four: Kenshin Sings…again…

Sano- ok, that was three acts! Let's GO!

Kaoru- that would be rude!

Kenshin- my fort…..she wrecked my fort…

Yahiko- what else can we do??

Kenshin- can I sing a song?

Kaoru- ah….*sweatdrop*

Kenshin- it's a story, actually….

Yahiko- *we're screwed anyway…* go ahead, Kenshin..

Kenshin- it's called "Catsup Boi" (a/n: sung to the tune of Sk8r Boi)

He was a guy,

She was a girl,

Can I make it anymore obvious?

He had Catsup,

She had Ketchup,

What more can I say?

He made a fort,

She'd never tell,

That secretly she wanted his fort as well.

But all of her friends,

They stuck up their nose,

They had a problem with his fort Tomato.

He was a catsup boy,

She said see ya later boy,

His catsup wasn't good enough for her.

Her ketchup not a complete waste,

Her head was still up in space,

She needed to taste some catsup…

5 years from now,

She sits at home,

Eating her ketchup she's all alone.

Listening to the radio,

Wouldn't you know,

Catsup boy built Fort Tomato.

She calls up her friends,

They already know,

They have tickets to his catsup show.

She tags along,

Stands in the crowd,

Looks at the catsup that she turned down.

He was a catsup boy,

She said see ya later boy,

His catsup wasn't good enough for her.

Her ketchup not a complete waste,

Her head was still up in space,

She needed to taste some catsup…

Sorry girl that you missed out,

Well tough luck catsup's mine now,

It is more than just good food,

To take it away would just be rude!

He was a guy,

And it's just catsup,

Can I make it anymore obvious?

He is in love,

Haven't you heard,

How it rocks his whole wide world?

He has the catsup now,

I said it's the catsup, pal,

It's what made Fort Tomato

The girl got really jealous,

Got really un-zealous,

And then she destroyed Fort Tomato…

He has the catsup now,

I said it's the catsup, pal,

It's what made Fort Tomato

The girl got really jealous,

Got really un-zealous,

And then she destroyed Fort Tomato…

Sano- well, that's…interesting…

Kenshin- it's true!!

Kaoru- why would I be jealous that you had catsup??

Kenshin- how would I know I'm not you!!

Yahiko- you're in love with catsup??

Kenshin-….well, actually, that's the only phrase that would fit…

Marimo- i think I can handle it from here….this act is over…


	5. Act 5

Disclaimer- I own nothing!!

Author's note- the last chapter. This one's going to have less ooc-ness…I'm more sane now that school's started *nod, nod*. 

****

Act Five: The Great Escape

Megumi- You're alright now, Sir Ken, right?

Kenshin- *nod, nod*

Sanosuke- _Great!_ So Kenshin…*shoves Kenshin in direction opposite of Kaoru* You up for escaping?

Kenshin- Where to?

Sanosuke- Preferably the dojo, but really any place with a door.

Kenshin- Wouldn't Miss Kaoru be upset if we left her here to finish the show by herself?

Sanosuke-…she'll get over it. So are you in or out? Yahiko's already agreed to it.

Kenshin- I don't know…

Kaoru- Come on guys! Next we're doing juggling with torches!

Kenshin- How soon can we leave?

Sanosuke- Yahiko's going to create a diversion while we sneak out first. He'll meet us by the vegetable cart a few yards down.

**************

Yahiko- Hey ugly!

Kaoru- WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

Yahiko- You heard me! I called you ugly!

Kaoru- Come here you little brat!

Yahiko- You gotta catch me you old lady! Or do you need a walking stick?

Kaoru- You're dead!! 

*Yahiko and Kaoru running around stage (curtain closed)*

*************

Sanosuke- On the count of three. One, two, THREE!

*Kenshin and Sanosuke dart out of the tent and into the soft, crisp fresh air. And as the warm sunlight warms their hearts…*

Yahiko- RUN!! She's on to us- AAAAAAK! *Kaoru has him by the collar*

Kaoru- So you tried to bail, huh? Thought you could just walk out on me?!

Kenshin- *waving hands madly* No, Miss Kaoru, it's nothing like that!!

Sanosuke- We deserve a bathroom break!

Kaoru- The bathroom's in the back of the tent.

Sanosuke-…well I got hungry too!

Kaoru- THEY'RE HANDING OUT REFRESHMENTS!

Kenshin- No need to get angry, Miss-

Kaoru- Shut up Kenshin!

Kenshin- Yes ma'am. =_=

Kaoru- *shoving Kenshin and Sanosuke back to the tent* Now you are going to finish this show if I have to tie you up to do so!

*light bulb goes off (they have light bulbs in this era, right?)*

*********************

Megumi- Where were you four? The crowd's getting restless…

Crowd- WE WANT ENTERTAINMENT! WE WANT ENTERTAINMENT!

*curtain is rustling, Yahiko comes out from behind*

Yahiko- Come on Kaoru, the crowd's waiting!

Kaoru- Alright, alright, I'm coming out…*getting new kimono cause her old one's been ruined (remember fort tomato (not the alamo!!))*

*Kaoru steps out, trips on an almost invisible thread, falls into a carefully placed net that pulls her up as soon as she hits the ground*

Kaoru- What the- GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!

Sanosuke- My best plan yet! Now let's go before she chews her way out of the net.

Yahiko- That's fine with me! *pokes Kaoru through a gap in the net before sprinting off*

Kenshin- Should we really just _leave_ her like this?

Kaoru- NO!

Sanosuke- Don't worry, she'll be _fine_.

*Kenshin shrugs, then runs off with Sanosuke close behind*

Kaoru- Megumi! _PLEASE_ help me get down!!

Megumi- *hums to herself*

Kaoru- MEGUMI!!

Megumi- Huh? Are you talking to me?

Marimo- …o_o;

End of Act 5

Short and sweet. What shall happen to Kaoru? She gets down, of course (to the horror of three certain people…). Don't think I left anything else unanswered…


End file.
